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Why “The Planet of The Apes” Could Never Happen

The new Planet of the Apes reboot is about to come out, because reboots are the cool thing now, right?  Read my post, RISE OF THE MOVIE REMAKES! Why are there so many remakes, for more on current state of movie making. Rise of the Planet of the Apes is Hollywood’s next attempt to milk an old franchise. Planet of the Apes is probably one of the greatest Science-Fiction movie franchises, but there have always been problems with the basic plot of the movie. The problem is that a “Planet of the Apes” could never happen. Here are the reasons.

1. Population

The Human population of the world is close to 7 billion.  The ape population is nowhere close to the billions.

Estimated Chimpanzee  population: 200,000

Estimated Orangutan population:  60,000

Estimated Gorilla population:  130,000

These numbers are just estimates, but most scientists would agree that these species are in danger of being extinct. So, there is no way such a small population could take over the planet from 7 billion humans. Even if the apes put up a good fight, they would undoubtedly suffer heavy casualties in the process.

*If you would like to help these endangered species go to the World Wildlife Fund website.*

2. Weapons

Humans have become good at making weapons. We have an arsenal of weapons including aircrafts, battleships, tanks, guns, and nuclear weapons. It is impossible that apes could access as many or the diversity of weapons that humans have accumulated over the years. Even if apes got a stock pile of guns and ammunition, we could attack them with tanks, fighter jets, and tactical missiles. As a last resort, we could still use nuclear weapons to wipe them all out.  Apes simply do not stand a chance.

3. Apes are no better than humans

Some groups, especially hippies, try to convince people that animals are better than humans.”Animals are so much nicer than people”, this is simply not true. Apes have been known to do some horrific things to each other. Chimpanzees are known to kill rival chimpanzees for territory,  food, and sex. There haven even  been many instances that chimps have attacked, and killed humans with little reason. Other apes are no better than chimps. Male Orangutans have been known to rape female Orangutans in the wild. Observed ape behavior has shown that violent behavior is not confined to humans. If Apes are just as violent as humans, wouldn’t they also think like humans about certain issues such as race? This is the ultimate problem with Planet of the Apes, how can three distinct species of Apes get along so well? Humans can’t even get along with each other for the most ridiculous reasons.  If Apes were able to take over the world, they would fight each other just like humans. Imagine it, Chimps vs. Gorillas vs. Orangutans in a death match.

These are top reasons why Apes could never take over the world from humans. The only way Apes could take over is if the human population became extinct. As a result the Apes would win by default, because humans no longer exist.

Horrible Movies That Are Awesome!

10. Masters of the Universe

Plot:

The world of Eternia in the aftermath of Skeletor’s war on Castle Grayskull, which he has won after seizing Grayskull and the surrounding city using a cosmic key developed by the Thenorian locksmith Gwildor. The Sorceress is now Skeletor’s prisoner and he begins to drain her life-force as he waits for the moon of Eternia to align with the Great Eye of the Universe that will bestow god-like power upon him. (IMBD)

Why it’s awesome!

  • Dolph Lundgen (Drago from Rocky IV) is Heman
  • A young Courtney Cox
  • Laser gun battles
  • Frank Langella as Skelator (Best Villian Ever)

Scene From Movie.

9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2

Plot:

The turtles find out where the Ooze, the substance which made them mutate, came from. Unfortunately Shredder learns about it too, and uses it to enhance himself.  (IMBD)

Why it’s awesome!

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!
  • Giant monsters!
  • Super Shredder!
  • Vanilla Ice raps!

Scene from Movie.

8. Leprechaun in the Hood

Plot:

The Leprechaun ends up in the inner city, Compton, CA. (IMDB)

Why it’s awesome!

  • Ice T is the man.
  • Stereotypical/racist black characters.
  • Ridiculous plot + horrible acting = Hysterically funny

Scene from movie.

7. Batman and Robin

Plot:

Batman and Robin are back working side-by-side to stop the villains of Gotham City, but they’re is tension appearing between them, especially when one villain who calls herself Poison Ivy can make anyone fall in love with her…literally. Along with Poison Ivy, the icy Mr. Freeze is freezing anything which gets in his way from achieving his goal. (IMDB)

Why it’s awesome!

  • Arnold Schwarzenegger is Mr. Freeze.
  • Umma Thurman and Alicia Silverstone in tights.
  • So many horrible puns!!

Scene from movie.

6. Trolls 2

Plot:

A young child is terrified to discover that a planned family trip is to be haunted by vile plant-eating monsters out of his worst nightmare. His attempt to save his beloved family is assisted by the ghost of his deceased grandfather. (IMDB)

Why it’s awesome!

  • Even though it’s called Trolls 2, there are no Trolls. Only goblins.
  • Hysterically bad acting.

Scene from movie.

5. Judge Dredd

Plot:

In the future, Dredd, the most famous judge (a cop with instant field judiciary powers) is convicted for a crime he did not commit while his murderous counterpart escapes. (IMBD)

Why its awesome!

  • Plenty of action.
  • Giant robots!
  • Cannibals.
  • Horrible dialogue and acting.

Scene from movie.

4. Wicker Man

Plot:

While recovering from a tragic accident on the road, the patrolman Edward Malus receives a letter from his former fiancée Willow, who left him years ago without any explanation, telling that her daughter Rowan is missing. Edward travels to the private island of Summerisle, where Willow lives in an odd community that plant fruits, and she reveals that Rowan is actually their daughter. Along his investigation with the hostile and unhelpful dwellers, Edward discloses that the locals are pagans, practicing old rituals to improve their harvest, and Rowan is probably alive and being prepared to be sacrificed. When he locates the girl, he finds also the dark truth about the wicker man.  (IMDB)

Why it’s awesome!

  • Nicolas Cage’s horrible acting. That’s pretty much it.

Scene from movie.

3. Killer Klowns From Outer Space

Plot:

Aliens who look like clowns come from outer space and terrorize a small town.

Why it’s awesome!

  • Alien clowns!
  • The most ridiculous death scenes.

Scene from movie.

2. Starship Troopers

Plot:

In the distant future high school kids are encouraged to become citizens by joining the military. What they don’t know is that they’ll soon be engaged in a full-scale war against a planet of alien insects. The fight is on to ensure the safety of humanity. (IMDB)

Why it’s Awesome!

  • Giant alien bugs!
  • Neil Patrick Harris is Legendary!
  • Female nudity.
  • Horrible dialogue.
  • A lot of mind numbing action!

Scene from movie.

1. Robocop 3

Plot:

The mega corporation Omni Consumer Products is still bent on creating their pet project, Delta City, to replace the rotting city of Detroit. Unfortunately, the inhabitants of the area have no intention of abandoning their homes simply for desires of the company. To this end, OCP have decided to force them to leave by employing a ruthless mercenary army to attack and harass them. An underground resistance begins and in this fight, Robocop must decide where his loyalties lie. (IMDB)

Why it’s awesome!

  • Robocop kicks some ass!
  • A lot bad guys get killed.
  • Robocop fights a robot ninja!
  • Robocop gets a jetpack!

Scene from movie.

Words That Mean Funny Things In Other Languages

This is the second part of my post of American Names Are Funny In Other Languages . This time English words that mean something else in other languages.

The English word KISS sounds like the Swedish word for PEE

The English word CAR sounds like the Albanian word for DICK

The English word GIFT sounds like the German word for POISON

The English word CUT sounds like the Dutch word for C*NT

The English word UMM sounds like the Kazakh word for C*NT

The English word for PEACH sounds like the Turkish word for BASTARD

The English word YET sounds like the Thai word for F*CK

The English word YEP sounds like the Russian word for F*CK

The name KIM sounds like the Turkish word for WHO (Not a word, but it’s still funny)

 English can be a funny sounding language.

You Have Black People Hair!

Recently I watched the new Karate Kid movie with Jaden Smith for the first time. I thought the film was good, but not better than the original. However, the reason I’m mentioning the movie is because of two scenes in the movie that I made my think of my own life. In one scene Jaden Smith’s character is talking to the Chinese girl who plays his love interest in movie. She asks him “Can I touch your hair?” and Jaden looks confused by her request, but lets her touch his hair. The second scene in movie was when Jaden takes his mother to place where they teach Kung Fu to children. All the little children learning Kung Fu come up to his mother and start touching her hair. When I saw this I started to laugh, because I had similar moments in my life. For some reason people always want to touch my hair and watching this move reminded me of some funny moments in my life.

Let me tell you a little about myself. I come from a Middle Eastern background. So, I have really dark, and curly hair. Also, I’m rather fair-skinned compared to most Middle Eastern people so it makes my hair more noticeable for people.  I know I’m not the only one with these features, but I attended high school in the Midwest America. A kid with dark black hair stands out of the crowd with people who are mostly blonde and brown-haired. My father jokes that when he to pick me up from school that he could instantly find me from a crowd of hundreds of kids. My father wasn’t the only person to point out my uniqueness. I use to get all sorts of weird comments from people. The comments were memorable to say the least.  If anything I find these stories to be funny.

The first comment I got was in my first period art class in high school. Everyone was working on their painting project. The kid who sat next to me was painting wrestlers in a match. He decided to paint one the wrestler’s hair black. The art teacher came around to see how everyone was doing with the project. She notices that the kid next to me painted the wrestler’s hair black. She commented “Nobody’s hair is that black”, and the kid pointed at me “His hair is black”. The teacher responded “oh yea…that’s unusual”. I thought to myself “what did she just say?” I decided to pretend I didn’t hear what she said. I wished I said “Yea there are millions of us”. It’s probably for the best that I didn’t say that.

The next weird incident was hands down the strangest. I was at my locker putting away my books. Then a guy I knew from class named Jake and one of his friends comes up to me. “Look at his hair. He has black people hair” said Jake to his friend. Then Jake pointed at me, and told his friend “Touch it”. This kid that I never meet before had his hands all in my hair. I literally said “what the fuck”, and pushed the kid’s hand away. The kid said “oh, I’m sorry”, and I just let it go, and went to my next class. I don’t know what kind guy thinks it is okay to touch another guy’s hair. I will always remember that strange comment “He has black people hair” That probably the strangest comment I have ever received.

I said before that most people who live in Midwest America usually have straight blonde or brown hair, as a result most of the girl’s I dated were either blonde or brunette. It seems like every girl I ever dated loved to touch my hair. I never minded if a girl I was dating wanted to touch my hair, but sometimes it got ridiculous. A funny moment happened when I slept over my former girlfriend’s house. I woke up to find her still sleeping and that she had both her hands grasping my hair. I found this very odd, and I asked her why she liked touching my hair? Her response was “I don’t know, I never been with a guy with really curly hair.” I will never understand why people are so fascinated about my hair, but it makes for a funny story.

Watch the scene from the movie.

American Names Are Funny In Other Languages

Immigrant parents are not always aware when they come to the United States that their name means something completely different in English. An example would be in India a typical boy name is Manmeet which in English sounds like a sexual innuendo. I started to wonder if there are any typical American names that have a different meaning in other languages. After some research this is what I discovered.

The name PETER sounds like the French word for FART.

The name GARY sounds like the Japanese word for DIARRHEA.

The name HANNAH sounds like the Japanese word for NOSE.

The name MATT sounds like the Arabic word for DEATH.

The name BILL sounds like the Dutch word for BUTT CHEEK.

The name PITT sounds like the Swedish word for DICK.

The name BOBBY sounds like the Indonesian word for PIG.

The name LUKE sounds like the Russian word for MANHOLE.

If you encounter a person with a funny name just remember that your name is probably funny in some parts of the world.

RISE OF THE MOVIE REMAKES! Why are there so many remakes?

Unless you’ve been living in a cave for last decade, you’ve noticed that Hollywood is making a lot of remakes. The most recent remake about to come out in theaters is “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” which is really a remake of “Conquest of The Planet of the Apes” with a different title. The question must be asked, why is Hollywood making so many remakes instead of making original movies? The reason for Hollywood remakes is not that surprising if you think about it. The movie industry has been losing money over the years. As a result of the loss of revenue movie companies are less likely to take any major risks.  So, any original scripts are harder to get produced, because there is no guarantee that they will make a profit. On the other hand if a movie in the past had success it will most likely get remade. Movie companies are hoping that fans of original movies will go see the remakes. From a purely marketing stand point remaking a movie is smart. The title of the movie sells itself. If you go to a movie theater and you see “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” you automatically know what the movie is about, and more likely to see it. Let’s look at the movies possibly getting remade in the near future.

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Keep in mind that this list does not count sequels. This list only includes remakes or reboots of popular movies. Every single one of these movies had financial success, and still has a fan following. This is also the reason why so many comic book movies are being made. Any movie that will have instant name recognition usually does financially well. Superman, Batman, Spider-man, are all comic book characters that brought large amounts of people to the movie theaters. Basically, anything that has a name that an audience will recognize. So, all your favorite cartoons, TV show, books, movies will most likely get a remake/reboot/sequel/adaptation sometime in future if it already hasn’t.

A good question to ask is how as consumers can we stop movie companies from remaking movies? A simple answer would be for people stop going to see movie remakes, but in reality people will go see them. We love to see our favorite characters with a new perspective. We have a curious cat problem. We want to see these movies, but are never satisfied with the results. Even if we could to people from going  to see remakes, the movie industry will just try to make another remake from another successful franchise.

I addressed in the beginning of this post this all started, because the movie industry is losing money. Why is the movie industry losing money? The most obvious reason is pirating of movies. Millions of people watch the movie online, and never pay to see the movie. The movie industry loves to say that this is the only reason they’re losing money, but they’re wrong. Going to movies is probably one of the most expensive things you can do now. The tickets and the food can make going to movies really expensive. Would you watch a movie in the theater or watch it home for free? No question you would watch it for free, unless you really want to watch it in the theater.

The movie industry needs to realize that the movie theatre experience is dying. In my father’s time you could catch a double or triple feature and spend most of the day at the theatre. When was the last time you could or really wanted to spend your whole day in a movie theatre? Now 3-D has become a big deal. I honestly like 3-D in some not all cases. For example Avatar. Although the movie Avatar was not the best I’ve ever seen. The 3-D experience in Avatar was epic, and made movie fun to watch. The movie industry has embraced 3-D since Avatar as an attempt to bring audiences back to the movie theatre. In the most part I applaud the effort, but movie companies are risking to make 3-D a gimmick. Movies like “Clash of The Titans” were made for 3-D, but it wasn’t planned to be a 3-D movie. The result was that “Clash of the Titans” was a mediocre movie with mediocre 3-D. The only good thing that came out of that movie was the phrase “Release the Kraken!”

The movie making business has become simply more about the money than anything else. The industry needs to realize that they’re the problem, and pirated movies are the symptom. Their failure to research what audiences really want to see in theaters is killing the industry.

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